i know this tunnel will end in light, but i can't see it...

i am officially denouncing the roller derby workout challenge.

i wasn't even really doing the workouts as it was [i was doing my own butt-kicking program through EA sports active], and i was trying to follow the diet plan as best as possible without breaking the bank [new list of stuff every week? seriously?]

but after a week of horrible practices, a lacklustre weigh-in, and just generally feeling miserable, i've had it. this diet doesn't contain enough iron, and it seems to be lacking in some vital elements that i apparently have come to depend on to function normally. plus i'm depriving myself of a lot of the food i like, and am afraid of building a negative association to food & eating.

i also only apparently lost 1.1 Lbs in the past week, regardless of the fact that i did two major hardcore EA workouts and 3 derby practices, on top of restricting my diet. that was the catalyst - i'm not losing any weight, and i'm still not feeling like i'm ready to take on the world.

i think from now on, i'm going to use the meal plan as a basic set of principles, and try to centre my eating habits around it. i'm going to bring red meat back in, i'm going to have pizza once in a while, and i'm going to make sure i'm eating enough before & after i work out. enough of this "a quarter cup of almonds is a snack and i have to ration it on days when i have practice" business. i'm going to continue to try and have complete meals for breakfast, but i'm also going to take advantage of wine & dine. overall, it'll still be a lifestyle change, and that's really what i wanted to get out of this.

i also just got a email full of medical website links from my dad yesterday. he's finally found a name for the condition we both suffer from and have for years - the list of symptoms is extraordinarily familiar and in our conversations, we've realized that this could be life-changing for both of us if we could get it properly treated. apparently i'm not just lazy, and i'm not alone. we're both going to see our respective doctors today, and hopefully be able to make a change for the better. i feel i'd enjoy my job more, and enjoy LIFE more, if this is actually what it is.

if only mental conditions were also like broken arms - easily visible and easily fixable.



did they stick you in here 'cause you weren't working right...

on to week 2 of the challenge.

i feel horribly exhausted, and my skating last night was abysmal. i was tired, klutzy, and disoriented. i had an asthma attack after the endurance.

i don't understand though - i'm working out more than ever, focusing especially on cardio, and i'm eating less junky food. i should be feeling AMAZING! i know paul sure is, and we're pretty much doing the same thing. the only thing i can think of is that the diet doesn't contain enough iron for my poor body- which would explain why i'm always tired, and why my body just quit on me during practice.

an iron deficiency is the worst because it's not an obvious problem like a broken arm, and i feel sometimes like i just look weak, or like i'm not improving, or not a team player, because i can't always do all the practices to the best of my ability.

i am horribly injury prone [not just little bruises either - i've already had a bruised tailbone, bruised ligaments in my knee, and a rotator cuff injury that have all benched me for lengthy periods of time... and i've only been playing for a year!], and have some touchy restrictions like asthma, and it's really disheartening to always be the one struggling on the side. i want to bout, i want to be amazing, and i know i have it in me - i just wish my body would let me make it happen.

it's hard enough when i have to miss practice because of work, or because i can't get a ride to the warehouse, but when i am under performing because of something that just sounds like an excuse, it makes me really sad.

i have been significantly more depressed about everything lately. i don't know if it's the lack of components in my diet bringing me down, or my low iron, or the fact that it's winter and i have issues with SAD, but i've been more depressed on a constant basis lately than i ever have in recent memory. i'm taking something for it, but i don't think it's working.

i just want to take a week off work and everything else and just sleep.

i'm also slowly integrating red meat and small amounts of sugar back into my diet. enough of this nonsense.


oh my, you are a handful...

day 3 of the roller derby workout challenge. my legs are sore, i'm irritable, and really hungry all the time.

okay it's not all bad, but having to stick to a meal plan is turning out to be more difficult than i imagined. i'm used to bringing a lunch made up of a bunch of delicious items such as muffins, fruit snacks, granola bars, and various fruit; then snacking on them throughout the day. this meal plan has complete breakfasts, lunches, and dinners, with two tiny snacks a day - and one of those snacks i need to save until after my workout. i know it's worth it, but makes me hungry & grumbly! and no sugar makes me a sad girl

the workouts have been killing too. i'm not going to bother with the ones they've prescribed, because all they are is this: 20 squats, 60 sec plank, 20 lunges right leg, 20 lunges left leg, 60 sec plank, 20 pushups, 30 sec plank - then repeat 5 times! no thanks. not only does it suck, but it's really boring, and i know i will not have the motivation to do it on a continuous basis. so i switched to doing EA sports active workouts, making sure to focus on the same muscle groups as well as cardio. MY LEGS ARE NOW SO SORE I CAN'T WALK! ugh. i hope they get good and strong soon and this passes.

so week one of the roller derby workout challenge so far = grrr.